Anxiety

If your willing to be honest...

Does anyone know anything about anxiety that reads my blog? I feel like I'm struggling with it a bit. I'm not depressed by any means & generally a very outgoing & very happy person. I really have an amazing husband who is very supportive & wonderful kids who I love very much. But lately...especially since everything has been going on with my son's medical needs, I've felt very overwhelmed. It's been one thing after another for us the past few months. We've made it through & are stronger because of our trials...but I feel like it's something I can't really kick. At first I was embarrassed to say something...I'm not sure why...I guess afraid of being judged. I would hate for anyone to think I'm an unfit mother or a bad wife. I feel like because I believe in God & know that everything happens for a reason as long as I trust him everything will be okay...but what if during the process I lose it...ya know...
my mind?
What if I don't talk to someone & my husband deploys for a year & things get worse because I'm embarrassed to talk about it.
I know I'm a strong woman.
I've been through a lot in my life. I feel like my "issues" really aren't that bad considering everything else that I see around me. I don't know...I'm just wondering if anyone else has questioned themselves, like I'm doing now. I do not like to complain & in all honesty I really don't have a lot to complain about & I don't like being negative...I don't feel like I am.
I'm just curious...I feel like I'm the
only one.
My husband isn't even deployed yet & it's all I think about lately...
Is he going to come home safe this time?
Am I going to be strong?
Can I handle this?
Will my kids be okay if I go back to school?
Will I be okay if I go back to school?
(My son will be 3 in June & I can count on one hand how many times I've been away from him overnight...same with my daughter.)
This isn't my first deployment...I feel like I should have it under control...but I get so emotional when thinking...13 months...
13 months?!
Seriously...can we be apart that long without growing so much separately that we're the same people we were before?
I will rely on God.
I know that some way we will get through this...maybe I'm just thinking about it all too much...which isn't hard to do since pretty much everything thing in life currently revolves around his deployment. I hope you all can read this without judgment & without trying to be a psychiatrist (no offense). I'm planning on talking to my doctor about it...I'm not even going to lie...I'm
scared
afraid
worried
terrified
of being put on medication because I think this nation is so completely over medicated because doctors don't really want to do their job they'd rather write a prescription, pat you on your back & send you on your way. I don't judge anyone who is on medication either...I have 6 siblings that are adopted & are medicated for bipolar disorder, FAS, trichotillomania, ashtma & ADHD, so I completely understand that sometimes is very necessary. I just don't want a doctor to give me some drugs & tell me everything will be okay one day.

My First Award

I received my first award from Reina
She is a fellow soon-to-be Marine Wife...how exciting for her!!!
I met her through twitter & now we keep up with each other on facebook & now blogger...

So here's my award!

Here are the instructions:

1. Click and save the image to upload on your own blog (no direct linking please!) OK Done.
2. List five things you absolutely love to do.
3. Then list five friendly bloggers (be sure to comment on their blogs telling them you've given them an award!)

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I love to:

1. Spend time with my family! I'm a home body so I'm totally content with staying home & watching a movie!
2. Drink Starbucks...not kidding...Venti Caramel Frappuccino Light, sugar-free caramel, extra caramel drizzle!
3. Do makeup...really it's more of an obsessive passion...I love doing my own too! I will be going back to Beauty College to get my Cosmetology license after the hubby deploys.
4. Crochet...I love learning new patterns & stitches & I love creating my own patterns. I like to see people love the stuff I make for them...it makes my heart warm!
5. Work out! I love feeling strong! I'm a total weirdo, I know, but I get satisfaction out of knowing that I've pushed my body to failure physically...because then I know I've pushed myself hard enough! I'm so super excited to get the P90X system! I will definitely document my journey through my 90 days too!

I'd like to pass this bloggy award on to:
1. Soldier's Lady
2. A Little Pink in a World of Camo
3. A Daughter's Shalom
4. Queen of my Castle
5. Raw Adventures of an Army Wife

Oh my little sickies!

(Even with pink eye...still pretty as ever)

I hate it when my babies are sick, I hate it even more when I'm sick along with them. My daughter woke up yesterday with some eye boogers in her right eye...I didn't think anything of it. I just wipe her eye out after I changed her diaper & we went about our day. I also noticed my son is having a harder time sleeping these last couple nights & even during his naps. He has stopped breathing a lot more causing him to wake up...so he has been even more cranky than normal. Luckily his surgery got scheduled for May 14th...anyways...this morning my Lana Bear woke up again with her eye gunked shut! :o(((
Of course today is the day it's going to rain...so I couldn't walk the kiddos to the doctors so I didn't even bother making an appointment (remember the hubby totaled the car, so now were doing the 1 car thing)...thankfully my hubby got off a little early...she has pink eye, in both eyes! I'm not sure where she got it cause she hasn't been around any kids that have had it...I guess maybe on a grocery cart...who knows?! She's pretty miserable! The Tylenol & eye drops are helping but she's scratching her poor little eyes out. I'm praying Kyler doesn't get it too...but trying to keep them separated is a joke...I'm more worried about the terrible, deep cough he woke up with this morning. I'm so worried that it's going to get worse before it gets better & I don't want his surgery to be put off any longer...especially because Paul will be home from Bridgeport two days before to be here for his surgery, he has to stay overnight so they can watch his bleeding. It's amazing how much his behavior changes when he gets enough sleep...I hate Obstructive Sleep Apnea...with a passion! I never would have known how much it can affect a child without going through it first hand...along with all the x-rays, CT scans & other tests they've ran on him...he is terrified every time we go to Rady Children's Hospital because he thinks they are going to hurt him...but they've really been wonderful to our family!
I will be so glad when these days are behind us!
I'm sure whatever it is that Kyler has, I have as well. I woke up with a sexy man voice, my throat burning & swollen, my head full of pressure, my ears pounding & my nose running...perfect! :o)))
Oh well...we'll get through...so much for me getting the 300 loads of laundry done! Tomorrow is a new day...I just hope it's a tidier one!
On a great note my son is so incredibly smart...I bought him some preschool books the other day & we finally got them out today & started working on them...I wasn't even aware that he knew some of the stuff in the books. He has a harder time pronouncing a lot of words because of how enlarged his tonsils are but for being 2 1/2 he actually talks pretty well...now I'm glad I invested in the "Your Baby Can Read" set...he has always loved doing it & now Lana does too! I think it's made a huge difference in the way he processes things. I watch his eyes & I swear his mind goes 10,000 miles a minute! I really think we have a little genius on our hands...he started doing 25 (medium) piece puzzle a few months ago all on his own! We're not around a lot of other kids his age much so I don't know if he is ahead or behind but I think he is

brilliant!!!Here is one of the pages he did all on his own that I had NO IDEA he would know!
He loves being praised...I kept telling him "GOOD JOB KYLER!" & he would say back when I would cut the pieces for him "GOOD JOB MOMMY!" It was so sweet!

Kyler Kepi

I made the very first one of these for my son, so I found it fitting to name them after him! I just finished him another with some felted letters I found super cheap! :o))) I love it!

Shackled Up for Saturday!

YAY...I finally finished this skully...hubby is on duty so I sat down I got it done since it's Saturday & I totally don't feel like doing anything productive...well except crocheting! It took forever...I'm pretty sure I undid the thing about 10 times before getting a pattern down that worked. This is another pattern I created! It turned out pretty good for my first attempt at the cable stitch...especially a 6 stitch cable, most are only 3 or 4! I really like it! :o)))

Emotional Cycles of Deployment

OUR 1ST DEPLOYMENT

OUR 2ND DEPLOYMENT

And now we're preparing for our 3rd deployment...first 13 month one & with 2 kiddos. I can't believe how fast time is flying by...I wish I could slow time down, but I can't. So it's begun, the emotional cycle of this phase of pre-deployment. Yes, I'm officially feeling the effects of our upcoming deployment.

EMOTIONAL CYCLES OF DEPLOYMENT

Getting ready for a deployment starts long before the spouse actually leaves. Many people tend to:
a) Ignore/deny that the deployment will actually happen.
b) Fantasize that the ship will sink or plane will break before the soldiers get on it, or that something will happen so their spouse does not have to leave.
c) Try to avoid the recognition of the reality of departure - that a small event, a date or a commonplace happening will trigger an emotional and/or cognition of the fact that the departure is imminent and real.

Thus the cycle begins:

STAGE ONE
- ANTICIPATION OF DEPARTURE -

-From 1-6 weeks prior to leaving (sometimes sooner depending on the deployment length)- Couples may experience:

1) Difficulty accepting the reality of leaving or separating.
2) Crying unexpectedly at "silly' things-- allow this to happen as it is essential to release the varying emotions.
3) Feel an increase of tension, arguments may occur.
4) A cramming in of activities/projects-- fixing up the house, lawn mower, washing machine, etc.
5) Experiencing feelings of anger, frustration and emotional distance between a couple.
6) Some couples dent the separations likely occurrence by putting off the chores, discussions, etc., not facing the inevitable, procrastinating on projects.
7) Difficulty in intimacy and sexual relations. It is hard to feel warm and loving when feelings angry at each other. Some say "It's easier just to let him go," or an increase in activities such as hanging on, or fearing the loss of lover/support person may occur.
8) Symptoms of restlessness, irritability, anxiety, feeling an inability to cope and concern about the changes in the home environment that will occur.
9) A sense of panic even though good plans have been made and most of the chores done.

STAGE TWO
- DETACHMENT AND WITHDRAWAL -

-Last week before departure- A difficult stage where some people may experience:

1) A sense of despair.
2) Feeling the marriage is out of control, feeling a desire to separate, to run away to lessen the pain.
3) A lack of energy, feeling so fatigue, depression.
4) Difficulty in making decisions or keeping self together.
5) Ambiguous towards one's partner and sex. It is difficult to be physically intimate when trying to separate emotionally. This should be viewed as a reaction to deployment rather than rejection of each other.
6) A stopping of sharing of thoughts and feelings.

***Remember these feelings and events are normal- your relationship is not generally breaking up or going down the tubes. Though you are both together in the same house, you are mentally and emotionally preparing for the separation. This is a necessary adjustment to reality.***

Sometimes wives think "If you have to go, go" and the husband thinks "Let's get on with it so we can get it over with." Or vice versa depending on which spouse is leaving. Everyone will survive this stage!!!

STAGE THREE
- EMOTIONAL DISORGANIZATION -

-Begins at the start of separation and can last up to 6 weeks into deployment- Partners may experience:

1) Shock when the deployment finally arrives, a feeling that preparation has not been adequate.
2) An initial sense of relief that the pain of saying goodbye is finally over, may be followed by feelings of guilt and emotional turmoil- "If I love him, why am I relieved he's gone?"
3) Feeling numb, aimless and without purpose as old routines have been disrupted and new ones have not been established.
4) Depression and the desire to withdraw from the world, family, and friends, especially if friends' husbands are home.
5) Feeling of being overwhelmed by responsibility and trying to be everything and do it all.
6) Sleep disruption- due to loss of security and the support person; tendency to sleep too much (to escape) or too little. Eating disorders may also come to light, or become worse.
7) Feeling anger at the husband for not doing everything that needed to be done around the home fro safety/security reasons.
8) Feeling anger towards the military for taking spouse away when you needed him/her the most
9) Felling restless, confused, disorganized, indecisive, and irritable at everyone, especially the children.
10) Feeling guilty for things that did not (or did) happen before separation.

***Getting "stuck" at this stage can create an unwillingness to move on emotionally and can be detrimental to healthy adjustment.***

STAGE FOUR
- RECOVERY AND STABILIZATION -

-Variable between weeks 3-5- For most people, begins several weeks and lasts until about a month before return. Most people begin to:

1) Realize at some point, usually by midway in the deployment, that "Hey, I'm doing OK."
2) Establish a new family pattern that works for them.
3) Feel more comfortable with their situation , self, and the reorganization of roles and responsibilities.
4) Complete successful experience, which ass to self-confidence and feeling of being able to cope.
5) Reach out for support though friends, church, work, wives groups, etc.
6) Eat "cruise food" to save time/energy and to choose priorities- let some things go to have more time.
7) Have higher long distance telephone bills- but must learn to keep within budget.
8) Go thought the "my syndrome- my house, my car, my kids, etc.
9) Appear more mature and independent as "single" wives- you have developed new activities, accepted more responsibilities to fill the void- while secure in being married.
10) Experience more sickness, initially, as increased responsibilities are more stressful until healthy coping skills are practiced.
11) Feel vulnerable due to isolation from the husband and even family. Wives may feel uncertain of their abilities and may experience self-doubt.
12) Feel asexual- no longer in need of sex or affection- or feel estranged due to suppressed needs and desires. Some women see themselves as unattractive and stop caring for themselves.
13) Minor crisis can put person back into the disorganization stage.

STAGE FIVE
- ANTICIPATION OF RETURNING -

-About 4-6 weeks prior to spouse coming home- People begin to feel a sense of anticipation "He's coming home and I'm not ready!"

1) Compile a long list of things still left to do and begin to pick up the pace to get things done.
2) Experience feelings of joy, excitement in anticipation of the spouse's return and being together again.
3) Experience feelings of fear and apprehension. "Does he still love me?" "Will he have changed?" "Will he have like what I've done?"
4) Clean house of activities required to fill the void- now- to make room for the man again. Some resentment may be felt at having to give up some of the things and having to change again.
5) Experience process of evaluating- "I want him back but what am I going to give up?"
6) Feel tense, nervous and apprehensive- burying fears/concerns in busy work and activities.
7) Experience a sense of restlessness again but it is generally productive. Some spouses may feel confused due to the conflicting emotions they are having.
8) Put off important decisions until the husband's home gain.
9) Experience changes in eating and sleeping patterns developed while the spouse was gone.
10) Children also go through a range of emotions and react to the temperament of the parent.

STAGE SIX
- RETURN ADJUSTMENT AND RENEGOTIATION -

-First 6 weeks home- The return to home and family stage. The husband and wife are back together physically but are not emotionally adjusted to being together. They still may feel distance and have trouble sharing decisions or talking to each other. Be patient, this stage will take time to complete.

The husband and wife:
1) Need to refocus on the marriage- share experiences, feelings and needs and avoid forcing issues on each other.
2) May stop being "single" married spouse and start bering married again.
3) May feel a loss of freedom and independence- feel disorganized and out of control as "deployment" routines are disrupted.
4) Need to renegotiate roles and responsibilities. Husbands often feel isolated, unwanted, unneeded, which can cause arguments and hurt feelings for both partners.
5) Need to be aware that too much togetherness can cause friction due to having been apart so many weeks/months.
6) Need to begin to share the decision-making hat should be "their" decision.
7) Need to increase their time to talk together and with the children. They may want to plan special activities of short duration as a couple and as a family.
8) Will need to progress slowly with desired sexual relations, which may fall short of expectations. This can be frightening and produce intense emotions. Wives may feel like husband is a stranger and can be hesitant at first about intimate relations.
9) Need ot allow sufficient time to court each other before true intimacy can occur.
10) May find questioning threatening and see their partner as being judgmental not just curious.
11) May miss the friends that helped them through the separation or who served with them during the deployment.

STAGE SEVEN
- REINTEGRATION AND STABILIZATION -

-Sometimes within 6-12 weeks after homecoming- Wives have stopped referring to "my" car, house, kids, and returns to using "we" or "our" and husbands feel more at home, needed, accepted, and valued.

1) New routines have been established and adjusted to by the family.
2) Both partners are feeling more secure, relaxed, and comfortable with each other.
3) The couple and family are back on track emotionally and can enjoy warmth and closeness with each other and their children.

Wordless Wednesday (Better late than never!)

Blessings in Disguise

Sorry I've been completely MIA lately. My husband has been on the range last week & this week...so on top of us both going to bed early (so nice)...he has been super sleepy! Welp...Friday he fell asleep at the wheel on his 45 mile drive to work. He works in Camp Horno on Camp Pendleton which is out by I-5 & we live way more inland off the I-15 in Temecula (LOVE IT HERE). Well on top of waking up at 5am to my son having a messy case of diarrhea, I got a phone call 15 minutes later from Paul saying he had been in an accident. So after making absolutely, positively sure that he wasn't hurt, neck, back, shoulder...etc. I started figuring out our finances for this next paycheck since we have a $500 deductible...so I looked at our old Verizon bill & apparently they haven't gotten the cable boxes or router yet so I see a bill for $268 & about croaked & not gonna lie totally bursted into tears! But I got it all figured out & the charges were fixed...blah, blah, blah! Our Jetta ended up getting towed to San Clemente to a State Farm (our insurance co) approved shop because it was un-drivable. We got a call today saying they are pretty sure it's totaled. That right there was our blessing in disguise! At first we were so upset about all this mess, rearranging out finances to come up with the $500 for our deductible...but between obviously having full coverage & gap insurance if the car is totaled they will pay our loan off & that's one (pretty big) less payment that I have to worry about while my husband is deployed! It's not like I need 2 vehicles while he is gone anyways...so it's extra $$$ in savings or towards our truck to get it paid off! :o))) He leaves in about 4 months & has at least a months worth of training (one of them being 21 days up at Bridgeport, CA) & then 2 weeks of pre-deployment leave...so really we're only looking at about 2 months worth of gas in our gas hog...not too bad! God was really looking out for Paul...he did tell me that if he wrecked about 10 feet further he would have been in a ravine...my heart sank when all those thoughts went through my head. On another good note...Kyler had his doctor appointment this morning & we will be getting a call from Dr. Carvalho's surgery coordinator to get him in for surgery within the next month & a half...WOOHOOO...it's been a long process (October 09 is when he was diagnosed with OSA) but it's been worth it. He will have to stay over night at Rady's just to be sure he will have no bleeding complications, but I'm glad they are doing everything on the more cautious side! Dr. Carvalho also decided today that he without a doubt needs tubes put in his ears as well...apparently enlarged adenoids have a huge effect on your ears & his are completely full of fluid...but he is well on his way to getting healthier...I will be so glad when he gets his tonsils & adenoids removed & the tubes put in his ears & we can finally say he doesn't suffer from Obstructive Sleep Apnea any longer! :o)))

May They All Rest in Peace!

May the Marines & Doc my husbands platoon lost in Iraq on April 2, 2006 always Rest In Peace. We will never forget your sacrifices or your families!

LCPL Sandoval-Flores, LCPL Palmisano, CPL Bass, LCPL Gallagher, CPL Germain, PO3 Nettles & SSGT Twitchell.

***GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN***

HALF WAY TO 50!!!

MY BIRTHDAY WAS FRIDAY...& IT WAS A FABULOUS 25th BIRTHDAY!!!

I jumped (& danced) with my monkey's on my bed, I crocheted, my sister surprised me by coming up to our place before she headed back home to Nor-Cal, she watched the kiddos for us & Paul & I had our first date without our kiddos in 7 months...yep, 7 months! He took me shopping because I desperately need summer clothes that actually fit & we went to dinner...RED ROBIN...YUMMMMM!
Yesterday my family got here for their vacation & we BBQ'd with family & friends...it really has been such a wonderful weekend so far! Oh yes...& my son started potty training finally...I've been so patient, I really thought for sure Lana was going to be potty trained before him...but yesterday he wore his big boy underwares & didn't pee in them once!

TO ALL MY FAMILY & FRIENDS THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LOVING ME SO MUCH, YOU ALL ARE AMAZING!!!

(P.S. HAPPY EASTER!!!)