Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Anxiety

If your willing to be honest...

Does anyone know anything about anxiety that reads my blog? I feel like I'm struggling with it a bit. I'm not depressed by any means & generally a very outgoing & very happy person. I really have an amazing husband who is very supportive & wonderful kids who I love very much. But lately...especially since everything has been going on with my son's medical needs, I've felt very overwhelmed. It's been one thing after another for us the past few months. We've made it through & are stronger because of our trials...but I feel like it's something I can't really kick. At first I was embarrassed to say something...I'm not sure why...I guess afraid of being judged. I would hate for anyone to think I'm an unfit mother or a bad wife. I feel like because I believe in God & know that everything happens for a reason as long as I trust him everything will be okay...but what if during the process I lose it...ya know...
my mind?
What if I don't talk to someone & my husband deploys for a year & things get worse because I'm embarrassed to talk about it.
I know I'm a strong woman.
I've been through a lot in my life. I feel like my "issues" really aren't that bad considering everything else that I see around me. I don't know...I'm just wondering if anyone else has questioned themselves, like I'm doing now. I do not like to complain & in all honesty I really don't have a lot to complain about & I don't like being negative...I don't feel like I am.
I'm just curious...I feel like I'm the
only one.
My husband isn't even deployed yet & it's all I think about lately...
Is he going to come home safe this time?
Am I going to be strong?
Can I handle this?
Will my kids be okay if I go back to school?
Will I be okay if I go back to school?

(My son will be 3 in June & I can count on one hand how many times I've been away from him overnight...same with my daughter.)
This isn't my first deployment...I feel like I should have it under control...but I get so emotional when thinking...13 months...
13 months?!

Seriously...can we be apart that long without growing so much separately that we're the same people we were before?
I will rely on God.
I know that some way we will get through this...maybe I'm just thinking about it all too much...which isn't hard to do since pretty much everything thing in life currently revolves around his deployment. I hope you all can read this without judgment & without trying to be a psychiatrist (no offense). I'm planning on talking to my doctor about it...I'm not even going to lie...I'm
scared

afraid
worried
terrified
of being put on medication because I think this nation is so completely over medicated because doctors don't really want to do their job they'd rather write a prescription, pat you on your back & send you on your way. I don't judge anyone who is on medication either...I have 6 siblings that are adopted & are medicated for bipolar disorder, FAS, trichotillomania, ashtma & ADHD, so I completely understand that sometimes is very necessary. I just don't want a doctor to give me some drugs & tell me everything will be okay one day.

6 comments:

A Marine's Wife! said...

I think what you're feeling is normal, even though you have been through deployments before..I'm sure it's different every time and brings up a whole different list of worries every time. I would talk to a doctor, I bet he won't put you on meds..and I bet you will feel better just talking about it. Cheer up girlie :)

Anonymous said...

Girl you have EVERY right to be anxious and have anxiety. I don't think you would be human if you didn't. I mean the love of your life is being deployed for a year so it's only natural to feel the way you do.

I definetley would speak to your doctor about it..It would be good for you to speak to someone who isn't biased..she could totally have a different perspective for you to look at the situation. Maybe she can teach you techniques to help ease your anxiety level. Do not worry about being judged..it's nobodies job to judge you but the lord. I'm not really a religious person but i know that nobody has the right to say how someone should be. We all have flaws. Even the most dedicated, wonderful mothers.

Hang in there girl..it will all be ok.

Love ya

Zahra

Amber said...

I love your "anonymous" commenter...gesh....she needs to come over to my blog.

But seriously...your allowed to feel this way! I mean, lets face it, 13mths is a long time...that is scary. I'm glad that you will be around your family for all the support and help you need.

I think it also helps to put what your feeling in writing. It helps you face your thoughts. You have a good husband, and beautiful babies...all will be well.

Do you want to make out? Will that make you feel any better?

USMCWIFE said...

Anxiety is normal under these conditions;
1. your the mother of any children.
2. you drive a car in any type of traffic, and extra points if that car is in California.
3. your husband is a Marine.
4. your husband is a Marine that is deploying (see #1&2 extra points)

lol..really it is normal, and you can work through it. I am a veteran of several deployments and the one thing that drives me nuts is when people say, "you can do this, youve done it before." UGH..it is my experience that each one is harder. I think we go into each deployment with the real knowledge of all the things that can go wrong. Damn Deployments!
There is no shame in talking to your doctor about anxiety as well. There is no shame in it at all.

Semperfiwife_Belickis said...

I think what your feeling is normal. Deployments are always hard no matter how many you've been thru. but u are a strong women and can accomplish things with the help of ur family and god. Feel better.

I just became a follower :-)

Allison said...

I know we don't know each other well (yet :)) but I think what you're feeling is TOTALLY normal. I am about to become a USAF wife and I'm sure I'll be facing the same challenges you are very soon! I am also a social worker and learning about different anxiety disorders and treatment for them.

My advice: DEF go talk to a doctor and if it makes you feel better, ask to go to some counseling! I am a HUGE believer in talking through things and not just medicating!

Let me know if you ever wanna talk about this or anything! I may be able to help with with anxiety disorders, and I'm sure you will be very helpful in the near future with life experience as a military wife!

~Allison Carmel