Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Reality.

First of all...how super cute are my babies?!?!Kyler just had to have his "Gretchie" in the bath with them!It's been 1 week since I started my push up challenge...I've managed to do it!
1400 as of today!I even started my P90X yesterday!
MY GOODNESS THE PAIN HURTS SO GOOD!!!
The first day was Chest & Back along with AbRipper X & today (well as of 40 minutes ago) was Plyometrics!
I've never done Plyometrics before...I had no idea it was so intense...but I LOVED every minute of it!
I feel so insanely good & I have a feeling I'm well on my way to a 6 pack & some serious guns!!!
I'm glad I started it because it's a fantastic way to get my frustrations out since I can't go to the gym like I used to.
Fortunately, LoverBoy is amazing & he does bedtime routine with our destructicons & it gives me the time to workout!

On a different note...
On Sunday, I had a panic attack so I decided I really needed to get on the ball again with working out everyday like I used to. Life has just been so super full of emotions that I kinda got in a slump & didn't care if I worked out or not for the last few weeks. Then I was invited to do the Push Up Challenge & was asked to be a BeachBody coach...it really has brought me to a new place & I'm VERY excited!
I will be going back to my doctors to talk to him about how bad this last attack was. I'm sure it's just because I know we move home soon & that just means that it's closer to LoverBoy leaving for much too long.
Then my whole thought process that I can never stop, starts & my anxiety just builds & builds in a matter of minutes sending me into a full blown panic attack.
My arms go numb.
My fingers get tingley.
I get tunnel vision.
I feel like I'm going to blackout.
I feel like I'm suffocating.
The more I fight it the worse it gets.
I'm still learning about my anxiety & panic attacks. I know they have been situationally bound attacks & my OCD doesn't help any of it!
LoverBoy is learning along with me, he's been so patient & wonderful.
I've never before dealt with mental health issues before when it comes to myself, even after everything I went through as a child with my father & having to be put in the Victim Protection Program & moving to another state...I turned out fairly normal when it came to my mental stability, sure I had to go to therapy along with my sister, but eventually my Dad cleaned up & we started seeing him again a few years later (it's been up & down since then but that's a whole nother' story).
I've always know I had OCD but it's never been bad enough to treat with medication, at least until now. So...back to the doctors it is.
I'm...
embarrassed
ashamed
terrified
humiliated
frustrated
&
angry
that this is happening to me but I have to deal with it.
I don't want to be judged & criticized.
Just loved.
Am I going to be like this for the rest of my life?
I don't know.
It is what it is, I am who I am & right now it's a very big part of my reality.
I never would have thought after making it through 2 deployments I would be having so many issues on preparing for our 3rd...but times change, people change, families change.
Now instead of only worrying about taking care of myself mentally, physically, spiritually & emotionally. I also need to provide all those things for my children. I must be both a strong Mommy & Daddy for them. Some days I feel like I won't be able to do it & other days I know I can. I know the emotions I'm feeling I'm not alone in, but sometimes it really feels like it.
I feel very alone some days.
I feel like I'm learning myself all over again.
Not because of anything in particular that someone has or hasn't done.
Just because.
I don't want this for my children.
I don't want this for my husband.
I don't want this for myself.
But I have it.
I refuse to let it run my life.
I know God is listening, I know he cares, I will learn to rely on him more through all of this.
I will get through, somehow, someway.
I can only pray that when I look back I will be a stronger woman because of it.
I just want to be the best wife & mother I can be!

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name you are mine. When you pass through the waters they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned & the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God.
(Isaiah 43:1-3)


4 comments:

Amy said...

I'm so sorry you are going through all of those emotions!

I know it is hard but from what I know - you are a super strong woman and you can do it. We all fall off the wagon sometimes (it can be a very bumpy road) - we just need to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and get back on.

Stay strong and hang in there! You can do it! And I'm here for as much support as I can offer from the other side of the country!

R. said...

I know your anxiety can be scary and frustrating. But your energy to do good for yourself and your body is SO truly inspiring. I'm doing BeachBody's Turbo Jam (LOVE) everyday and I'm pushing myself to run 100 miles this summer. ALL THANKS TO YOU! You are Truly a motivation.

Get your workout on! :D

Mel said...

It's hard. It completely sucks. Totally. On the upside, you are aware of yourself and your needs. That's a HUGE thing. You know you can ask for help. And you know you want help for yourself and those you love. That, in itself, is part of the healing process. AND your finding healthy ways of de-stressing - like spending baby-time and working out.

I am proud of you and how your dealing with this!

Skinnie Piggie said...

I think it's awesome that you have realized, and somewhat accepted it. Most of all... will get help and not prolong the problem by refusing to ask for it!

You are crazy intense with your working out, congrats lady!